Factual Storytelling: The Angel(ine) who saved me

“Beautiful people never put themselves down nor wish they were someone else, something else, and somewhere else.” 

This was how we ended every other conversation; with her reminding me to never put myself down nor wish I was someone else, something else and somewhere else.

Being a closet bulimic wasn’t easy; keeping up with appearances wasn’t an easy task. It was a vicious cycle and my love/hate relationship with food was getting out of control. By the end of 2010, I was purging at least 5 times a day. On the outside, I looked fine, happy and in control. But deep inside, I knew everything was spiralling out of control.

Until I met Angeline.

Image obtained from here

 “Stumbling” upon Angeline’s Fitness blog (www.fitbunney.tumblr.com) was how I “first met her”. She reminded me of an Asian Barbie doll, except with biceps and deltoids. Her blog was filled with quotes, pictures and random writings/posts about her life as a University Honour Roll student and a Fitness enthusiast. But something else drew my attention away from her amazingly carved arms: her recovery from binge eating.

When asked about her binge eating, she said “I was in a very low place of my life. Food was my only comfort. Sugar was my drug. While I was binging, everything seemed alright. But, right after a binge, I’d feel awful about myself. All the trashing-talking I did to my body…If I did that to my friends, I would have been a very lonely person.”

At that moment, I realised what I’ve been doing to myself. I have been slowly destroying myself, just to make myself feel better for a minute. I’ve never thought of it that way.

“At my heaviest, I found everything hard- Standing, Climbing up a flight of stairs, even walking seemed impossible” she said.

I realised that I was in the same situation after every binge/purge as well- but mentally. All I wanted to do was crawl up in a corner, avoid any social contact and hide in my room. Everything was hard. I was extremely curious about her transformation- from the girl with an eating disorder to Iron Barbie.

Her reply was a 3-page long Word document. At that moment, it finally sank it- I am not alone in this.

“I went to the local mall one day, had 3 Cheeseburgers, hid out in the toilet and bawling my eyes out. I didn’t understand why I was doing this to myself. I deserve better, my body deserve better. At that moment, I walked to the Gym located at the 4^th floor of the mall, signed up and never looked back since.”
“It may be hard and scary to just walk in to the gym and sign up without knowing anything. But trust me; everyone who’s training at the gym didn’t know what they were doing at first. They learn, and they conquer.” 

The word “conquer” hit me hard.

I need to conquer my addiction.
I need to conquer my fear of food.
I need to conquer to stay alive.

So that’s what I did. 

I signed up at the local gym and started learning my way around the gym. All my focus was on getting my postures and lifts right instead of “what am I going to eat next?”
When I emailed Angeline, telling her that I signed up at the local gym, she didn’t reply me with a bunch of workouts to do. Instead, she replied with “Now, it is research time for you!” I had to research about my meal plans, workouts, reps and sets, etc. The more I read into the articles available, the more interested and excited I became. Instead of being spoon-fed with the information, Angeline made sure that I took interest and researched about fitness. This wasn’t going to be a “one-off” thing; I was and am still very much interested in being part of the fitness community and paving a path to recovering from bulimia.

Image obtained from here

And I’ve never looked back since.

The gym has trained me to work hard and play even harder. When I’m in there, I’ve learn to block everything out and focus.

Focus on my next rep.
Focus on my breathing.
Focus on my posture

If Angeline was able to overcome her addiction, sign up for Singapore’s First Women’s Pro- Figure competition, I am certain I’ll be able to do anything.
This is what I call “Fluffy on the outside, Iron on the inside”

Our frequent emails and text messages keeps me motivated and focused on all the good things I have in life- Family, Friends, a home, Health and glad that I am still breathing. I can’t imagine what would have happened to me, if I was still going through that vicious cycle of binging and purging. I can’t imagine what it would have done to my parents, knowing that they couldn’t save their daughter from something that destructive.

Who knew that “stumbling” across a blog would change your life forever?
Angeline Jeunveirre inspired, and will always inspire me.
I can safely say- she saved me.

Image obtained from here